Depressed party joy

 　　When I was 5 years old, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and our family's life changed forever.

　　The mother's condition was mild and severe, hospitalized when severe, and resting at home when light. If she is in good shape, she will play with me, teach me to play Gobang, and talk about her childhood. She likes to give nicknames to fruits. For example, oranges are called "peeled and eaten", apples are called "peeled and eaten", and dates are called "swallowed whole", which made me giggle and she laughed too. But when she was in a bad state, she had to rest before she could say a few words.

　　My father does all the housework. Grandma said that he couldn't even wash his socks before getting married, and his wife became a master chef after getting sick. In my memory, he went home after work, never participated in the company's entertainment, and seemed to have no friends.

　　I turned on the "hundred family meal" mode. I live at my grandfather's house in summer vacation and my aunt's house in winter vacation. I usually sleep at my grandma's house. The elders took pity on me, so I never thought I was missing something. Every time I see my classmates being disciplined, I feel grateful because no one has the heart to speak harshly to me. My cousin once said indignantly that if he wanted to own a pair of Nike running shoes, he had to buy them from the top three parents in the final exam, and I was wearing a famous brand from head to toe, so I didn’t have to be scolded for bad grades.

　　After I entered junior high school, my mother was in good health and had the strength to do some simple housework. I went back to my home and spent a short time with my parents. Unexpectedly, in the summer of the second year of junior high, her mother's cancer recurred. When she came out of the chemotherapy room for the last time, she was as fragile as a wax man, and it seemed that it would burst with a poke. I heard her softly say to the doctor, "Help me." Now that she thinks about it, she should know that she is dying. Sure enough, a few days later, she died.

　　Grandma and grandpa were distraught, and grandma fainted from crying. Father's mood is very complicated. In addition to being sad, he also seems to have the ease of unloading the burden. As for me, it is very indifferent. I have long been accustomed to living without my mother's care, how I lived in the past, and how I will live in the future.

　　At that time, a relative was doing business in Xinjiang. My father wanted to help, but my grandmother did not agree. My father said that he spent his best time serving patients, and it would be too late if he didn't earn money. Grandma asked me to persuade me, but I was too lazy to persuade. I love to walk. Grandma stomped her feet in anger.

　　I've grown up like this. To say that I have not received love, my elders have given me everything they can give; to say that I have received love, the most important parental love is always absent.

　　After graduating from college, I started a sales career and then started a small business. My hometown and Beijing are only separated by a river, and I bought three suites when the price did not rise. My wife and I live in the big one, and the two small ones are rented to young people who work in Beijing. We live well.

　　It's a pity that our business has been sluggish in recent years, and many accounts receivable cannot be collected. I came to my door many times to ask for the account, and I was either kicked out or humiliated. I don't know since when, I became reluctant to talk, I didn't like to eat, I couldn't work hard, and I fell into a state of depression. My wife took me to the hospital and was diagnosed with moderate depression. The doctor prescribed medicine, and I feel better after taking the medicine, but I always feel empty inside.

　　Later, my company couldn't even pay my salary, and the employees came to me every day to make trouble. My wife gave all the year-end bonuses issued by her unit to the employees, which calmed down, but the company couldn't do it any longer. Since then, my depression has gotten worse.

　　Most people's depression is more severe at daytime and at night. I am just the opposite. Morning is the time when my mood is at its highest. There is always a voice in my heart that is scolding myself: You have such a low education, you failed to start a business, you can’t make money, you can’t even support your employees, you don’t let your family live a good life, you waste resources, and you achieve nothing... I can’t see hope, every time One day is nothing but replicating the agony of the previous day. If depression is a demon, I'm obsessed with it.

　　I'm addicted to playing games. Many people don't understand why depressed patients have the energy to play this. Because only in the virtual world, the voice in my heart that belittles and oppresses myself will disappear.

　　My wife was dying of anxiety, so I bought a lot of books on chicken soup for the soul, and she caught me drinking chicken soup when I had nothing to do. In my life, who has never encountered a low point, and didn't all a carp stand up? Work is just a part of life, there is no need to take it too seriously... She also brought my aunt and cousin over and took turns to enlighten me. Every time they finish, I nod in cooperation, I just hope they finish quickly and let me be quiet for a while.

　　My wife also organized a dinner party and wanted to bring me into a festive atmosphere. As a result, when I saw so many people sitting in the living room, I was terrified and just wanted to run away. After barely greeting everyone, I went back to my room to play games. . My father gritted his teeth and said, "What is there to be depressed about? It's all hypocritical!" I didn't want to argue. Later, I heard that each guest prepared at least three jokes, intending to make me laugh, but it was embarrassing to see me ignoring them.

　　Gradually, the wife gave up the effort. We both do our own work at home, I play games with my mobile phone, she surfs the Internet on the computer, and the house is very quiet. We used to be very lively together, and we would laugh at every little thing. Once, I saw that she was swiping the travel video we took before, and the corners of her eyes were a little wet. She must miss those times a lot, right? I know she's not happy, and I know I should treat her well, but I can't do anything.

　　In May last year, my wife took me to the beach to play. The open world can really change people. What I said in those days was more than 3 years of depression combined. My wife was so excited that she said that she should have brought me out long ago. She had already made up her mind before coming. This was her last effort. If it didn’t work, she could only choose to divorce. Living with a person full of negative energy for many years is really tiring. I touched her head and said, "Thank you for your hard work, and I will make up for the time wasted in the past few years." She burst into tears.

　　On the way home, we listened to the old Hong Kong and Taiwan songs that we liked when we were children during the day and ghost stories at night. We only felt that there was joy everywhere in the world. We agreed to go out to play at least twice a year, once domestically and once abroad.

　　But as soon as I stepped into the house, the self-denial voice in my heart came out again. Once again, I felt that I was worthless and would only be a drag on the people around me. My emotions fell to the bottom. It was like walking in the dark, thinking that I had reached the end. When I looked up, it was still dark ahead.

　　The wife was disappointed, but she was too embarrassed to file for divorce in person. My father-in-law and mother-in-law came to me and asked me what my plans were for the future. I couldn’t play games all my life. I said I don't know. My father-in-law said, "Xiao Fang, you don't earn money or do housework. The burden of life is on my daughter alone. It's better to separate, it's good for everyone." I said anything is fine, it doesn't matter. The mother-in-law sighed and said, "So what a good child." I was very sad when I heard this, and tried my best to hold back my tears. Time and time again I let the people around me down, I don't deserve the love of others, I don't deserve anything!

　　When dividing the property, my wife had to leave the large suite and leave me the two smaller ones, so that I could live in one and rent one, so I could have a source of life. I said, "Thank you." She said, "Don't blame me, our marriage is more and more like your parents' marriage—a healthy person sacrifices his life to care for another chronic patient who will never get better. The difference is that you When my mother got sick, she had already given birth to you, and I am 36 years old and have no children, so I can't wait." I was shocked, how could I live like my parents? She added: "I now understand why your father threw you to your grandma back then. During the 10 years he took care of your mother, he was bound by his sense of responsibility, he was overdrawn, and he no longer had the energy to perform other family responsibilities. ." At that time, my whole abdomen was tensed, and I wanted to cry, but I couldn't cry. She hugged me and told me to be fine, and she opened her mouth when she needed help. I nodded.

　　My aunt was afraid that I would be hungry, so she came to deliver food every now and then, and sometimes helped me with the cleaning. I said, if my mother wants to see me like this today, with no job, no marriage, and no children, should she regret giving birth to me? They named me Fang Joy, who would have known how miserable I was to live. My aunt said, don't be stupid, she was also there when the name was named. The newborn has big eyes and a high nose bridge. It is rare for people to praise such a beautiful baby. My parents were very happy. My father asked my mother how she felt at this moment, and my mother said, joy, full of joy. So my father said, directly called joy. I brought joy to my parents since I was born, so the word "joy" is not what my elders expected of me, but expresses their feelings at that time.

　　Hearing this, I burst into tears, and the memory of my parents came overwhelmingly at that moment. When I was young, my mother insisted on playing with me. The family of three watched DVDs while eating. How precious these moments are! I no longer have it. I thought I was unaware of their departure, but I just buried the pain and pretended not to care. My heart quietly set the marriage to the parent's mode, because I needed a way to understand them, feel their feelings, and continue the broken connection between the three of us. 　　Strangely

　　, from that day on, whenever that self-aggressive voice in my heart appeared, another voice of encouragement would pop up: "What about failure? You're not that bad."

The details of my life, the interactions my mother and I have had, what I want to say to my parents, my daily feelings... record them one by one. I don't set a hard limit on how much I should write. Sometimes I can't keep writing after a sentence or two, and sometimes I can write a full page.

　　My father has long since returned from Xinjiang. I didn't like to chat with him on WeChat before, and I didn't want to see him. After I got divorced, he once asked me how I was feeling, and I said it was alright, you also take care, drink less and smoke less. My dad got a little excited and said I cared about him for the first time, and sent a big pot of grilled fish that night—he remembered I loved it when I was a kid.

　　At the beginning of this year, I was able to go downstairs for a walk, bask in the sun in the community, and watch the neighbor's children play. I felt that my life was quite happy. I occasionally drive to Beijing to go shopping. The ginkgo leaves in the Temple of Earth and the weeping willows in Longtan Lake Park are very beautiful. I didn't notice these when I was busy. Although sometimes my mood suddenly becomes heavy, but I don’t take it seriously anymore. I laugh when I want to laugh, and cry when I want to cry. Joy, anger, sadness, and joy are normal human emotions. Although my name is joy, I have the right to let sadness flow naturally. I used to go to the cemetery with my father to see my mother, and everyone was silent along the way, because I couldn't find a common topic, but it felt natural.

　　Looking back on the past few years of depression, I have lost so much and gained a lot. The biggest gain is learning to understand yourself, face yourself, accept yourself, and forgive yourself. Maybe in the future the depression may come back, but it doesn't matter, I can come out of the darkness once, and I can come out the second time.